If you're a parent and get bad news from the doctor, your first question may be, "Am I going
to live?" But the second is probably, "What do I tell my kids?"
For most people, the honest answer is, "Not a thing." A dire diagnosis takes your breath and
your words away. It's a reaction that's natural, understandable, even wise. But silence
shouldn't be your final answer—because it won't protect your children.
"From a very young age, children are attuned to their parents' moods," says Paula Rauch, MD,
founder of Parenting at a Challenging Time, a counseling service at Massachusetts General
Hospital in Boston that helps moms and dads discuss illness with their children. "They sense
your worry even if you don't actually voice it.
"Our culture severely underestimates how many families are living with serious illness,"
adds Rauch, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "One in three
women with breast cancer has children under 18. These days, people are able to live longer
with chronic diseases, and they're having children later in life. Everyone needs to know how
to talk to kids about illness. Everyone."
8 Superfoods that pack a disease-fighting punch.
Here's what to say—and what to avoid—to help your child feel safer during a scary time.
You: Have a health test coming up, and the results may not be good.
DO: Keep your kids in the loop. Let your child know that planned tests are making you
nervous. Kids relate to dreading a doctor's visit—that makes it easier to communicate how
you feel without unduly worrying them. You might say: "You've probably noticed that I've
been coughing. Dr. Bailey wants me to get some tests. As soon as I find out what's what, Dad
and I will let you know."
DON'T: Allow your children to find out about your worries by overhearing you. The worst way
to hear about something is to overhear it, says Rauch. You won't be able to give your child
any context—and she's likely to assume that something that can't be spoken about directly
must be very scary.
You: Receive a frightening diagnosis.
DO: Start by sharing the simple stuff. Tell your child the name of your illness and the
tests you're having—then let her guide the talk. "You can flood a kid with details and do
nothing but muddy the waters," says Rauch. "Find out your child's worries and address them."
to live?" But the second is probably, "What do I tell my kids?"
For most people, the honest answer is, "Not a thing." A dire diagnosis takes your breath and
your words away. It's a reaction that's natural, understandable, even wise. But silence
shouldn't be your final answer—because it won't protect your children.
"From a very young age, children are attuned to their parents' moods," says Paula Rauch, MD,
founder of Parenting at a Challenging Time, a counseling service at Massachusetts General
Hospital in Boston that helps moms and dads discuss illness with their children. "They sense
your worry even if you don't actually voice it.
"Our culture severely underestimates how many families are living with serious illness,"
adds Rauch, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "One in three
women with breast cancer has children under 18. These days, people are able to live longer
with chronic diseases, and they're having children later in life. Everyone needs to know how
to talk to kids about illness. Everyone."
8 Superfoods that pack a disease-fighting punch.
Here's what to say—and what to avoid—to help your child feel safer during a scary time.
You: Have a health test coming up, and the results may not be good.
DO: Keep your kids in the loop. Let your child know that planned tests are making you
nervous. Kids relate to dreading a doctor's visit—that makes it easier to communicate how
you feel without unduly worrying them. You might say: "You've probably noticed that I've
been coughing. Dr. Bailey wants me to get some tests. As soon as I find out what's what, Dad
and I will let you know."
DON'T: Allow your children to find out about your worries by overhearing you. The worst way
to hear about something is to overhear it, says Rauch. You won't be able to give your child
any context—and she's likely to assume that something that can't be spoken about directly
must be very scary.
You: Receive a frightening diagnosis.
DO: Start by sharing the simple stuff. Tell your child the name of your illness and the
tests you're having—then let her guide the talk. "You can flood a kid with details and do
nothing but muddy the waters," says Rauch. "Find out your child's worries and address them."
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